Relationships
- Sir Nicholas Mostyn
- Apr 26
- 7 min read
Updated: May 2
In this, the last episode in our current series, the Movers & Shakers have gathered at the Notting Hill pub with (most of) their spouses, to talk about how to navigate a relationship after the diagnosis. With the able assistance of a relationship expert, Gillian and Mike, Mark and Jo, Paul and Julie, Nick and Liz, and Rory – riding solo – talk through the ups and downs of coupledom in the wake of the Parkinson's reveal. Honest, revealing and often very funny, this is a guide on how to (or, perhaps, how not to) stick it out.
Don't forget to sign the Parky Charter petition by going to ParkyPetition.com!
By Podot
Each week Rory Cellan-Jones guides us between the laughs and moans in the pub. To read Rory's summary of this week's episode click here.
Guest Biographies
Dr Kate Younger
Kate qualified as a psychologist in Australia 20+ years ago. She completed her clinical psychology doctoral qualification in the UK. She is also qualified as both a CAT (Cognitive Analytic Therapy) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) therapist.
Kate worked in the NHS for several years before moving across to private practice. She consults within the Blue Door Practice (www.thebluedoorpractice.com) – a busy central London clinic offering therapeutic interventions to people with wide-ranging difficulties, across the whole life-span.
During her doctoral training Kate became very interested in relational working. That is, understanding unhealthy relationship dynamics and engaging at the level of the relationship, even when treating someone in an individual therapy context.
Kate’s areas of special interest are trauma and personality disorders, both of which she views and treats through the aforementioned relational lens, using her primary therapeutic model of CAT. She has expanded this model to work with couples as well.
Kate has a pocketbook coming out in the summer, which highlights the key interventions and psychoeducation she shares in therapy – ‘My Little Black Book… of therapy tips and tools’.
Dr Kate Younger can be found on Instagram (@drkateyounger) here.
A note from Dr Kate Younger...
Thank you to the ‘team’ for having me on the Relationships episode of the fantastic ‘Movers and Shakers’ podcast. After listening to each couple’s insights of their relationship and
relational journey pre and post diagnosis, I was struck by a common theme of communication. And, this reminded me of a perfectly apt philosophical quote that I share
frequently in therapy, ‘Between what is said and not meant, and meant and not said, most
love is lost’ – Khalil Gibran. Further, I am very conscious that the age group and generation
most impacted by Parkinson’s are likely to also be those who are least familiar with some of
the relational concepts we touched upon during the podcast. So, the following are a list of
some of the key interventions I would encourage people to try and use within their
relationships (regardless of diagnosis).
Contracting time to speak – this ensures that you are setting the relationship up to succeed and to fundamentally get your needs met. If your partner says that it is not a convenient time to speak, it is then up to them to confirm another time in the not too distant future.
Ideally, you would be near each other – and not in different rooms – when you talk. For some people, staring across at each other can be tricky and here, wherever possible, I encourage people to go for a walk together to have the discussion, being alongside each other.
People are not mind readers – so it is important to articulate your needs. Very simply, ‘What I need from you is…’ Equally, making assumptions can be risky, so always clarify what your position is, and invite your partner to do the same. This is all in the vein of ‘Helping you, to help me, to help us’.
Listen to understand – you may not always agree with your partner’s position, but it is important to be respectful of their viewpoint and of them having a mind of their own. I also find here, it can be helpful to listen with your ‘feelings ear’ – focus on the feelings that your partner is bringing and attend to them, rather than trying to judge them as ‘right or wrong’. You can attend to the feelings by saying, ‘I can hear that you are feeling…’
Use tentative opening statements to articulate your position and to raise potentially tricky conversations. For example, ‘I’m wondering if…’, ‘It seems to me as though…’, ‘I feel as though…’, ‘I’m curious about…’, etc.
Having conflict is not bad – it is how you manage to navigate the conflict. A good option here, is the Feedback Wheel (Real, 2022), where there are four steps, ideally done in four sentences:
o Your observations of the event to be discussed (what you noticed went on)
o What you interpreted this to mean (e.g. that you are not important)
o What you were left feeling (e.g. dismissed)
o What you need from your partner moving things forward (e.g. to be
considered more and an apology)
Both of your needs are important – it is important that there is reciprocity in a relationship. By this, I mean a degree of balance and a sense that both partners needs are attended to. I am mentioning this one, because the idea of existing in your own world and being obsessive about your interests was mentioned during the podcast. I appreciate that this may be a part of the condition, and yet in the spirit of being ‘caring and not the carer’, it may be helpful to articulate when you feel that one of you is too in their world and that you are feeling disconnected/dismissed – you can try and do so via that Feedback Wheel mentioned above.
The other thought that I had been left with is around the role professionals may hold in
assessing (i) support available to the person with the diagnosis and (ii) the support available
to and the (psychological) needs of the partner, in relation to impact of the diagnosis and the illness itself. Clearly the needs are going to vary from person to person, and couple to couple, and yet it may be an incredibly helpful idea to have some signposting for how to get help if either of the partners and/or the coupledom are struggling. Having an assessment by a mental health professional may be a useful first step. You can do so via your GP to go down the NHS route, and you can contact practices like ours (www.thebluedoorpractice.com), if you would like to go down the private route.
Further reading:
Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. New York:
Rodale Books – a great resource for thinking and working relationally
Younger, K. (available from July 2025). My Little Black Book… of Therapy Tips and Tools.
London: Troubador – a more comprehensive resource of the interventions I share with
patients in therapy, similar to those mentioned above
A note from the judge, Sir Nicholas Mostyn...
The evidence given by each of the couples demonstrated not just how devastating to the individual, but also to their marital relationship, a diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease can be. Yet the impact of the diagnosis on a couple’s relationship can be, like the disease itself, manifested in so many ways. This reality is, however, rarely if ever acknowledged at, or following, diagnosis. None of us was given any advice about how we might cope with the domestic trauma of the diagnosis. Our expert guest, clinical psychologist Dr Kate Younger entirely agreed and suggested that at the point of diagnosis there should be some kind of carer’s assessment made to prepare both parties in a couple relationship for what lies ahead both physically and psychologically.
The descriptions of the difficulties and challenges presented to the individual couples, and how they were addressed, were expertly analysed by Dr Younger who gave some very wise advice. The coping strategies of the respective couples could not be more varied. Listeners will surely be interested in the domestic rule agreed by Mike and Gillian Lacey-Solymar which is that if there is a dispute about an issue one party can insist on getting his or her own way. I was not totally surprised to learn that the ratio fell 95% in favour of Gillian!
When Liz and I told our story I explained how at present by virtue of a drug regimen that really seems to work, together with prodigious amounts of exercise I am not, or at least I do not believe that I am, seriously impacted by the disease. I’m not sure that this self-diagnosis is correct but that is certainly how I feel and conduct myself. My relationship with the disease is more one of apprehension, about what lies ahead, rather than about the here and now.
In contrast, Liz does worry about the present manifestations of the disease. She explained how to respect my autonomy she has had to rein in her instinct to try to protect me and our relationship from what she considers to be irresponsible over- exuberance and denial of the seriousness of the condition on my part. She described how it is my wont, whenever she raises a potential future problem related to the condition, to brush it off with the ubiquitous phrase “it will be fine”. Dr Younger explained that this syndrome is not uncommon and that in her profession they have devised an acronym description of someone who habitually uses that phrase: Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. That certainly has given me food for thought and I am going to make a serious effort to listen to Liz’s concerns on my behalf.
The discussions demonstrated that there is a difference in both type and quality of a second marriage to one that was formed decades earlier. The fact that the marriage has endured for more than half a century does not mean that there are serious challenges when something like Parkinson’s is diagnosed. I was able to round off the episode by recalling a divorce case I did when I was at the Bar where my client, the husband, was aged 92 and the wife, was aged 88. They had been married for nearly 70 years. I asked him given the enormous length of the relationship why they were divorcing now. The reply was: “we were waiting for the grandchildren to grow up.”
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